At twenty-five I had a Masters Degree (with all associated debt), a NYC apartment in which three small people could stand at one time, a blossoming career, and an unshakable ambition to have a cush C-level job by 35.
And at 35, I had a husband and 2 kiddos, a commute from the burbs, constant low-grade anxiety, and generally all the Advil in my purse on any given day.
I knew something had to give. But the thought of letting go of that 25-year-old’s aspirations felt unthinkable.
After all, there’d been RBG; Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer, Arianna Huffington… all of these women leaning in, shattering ceilings, paving the way for the likes of me – didn’t I owe it to them? Didn’t I owe it to me to keep on keeping on?
I saw other women around me “opting out” of the rat race in service of raising their children – seemingly finding fulfillment and contentment in being present, running carpools and bake sales. I bore no judgment of those women – I just didn’t see myself in their circles.
But nor did I see myself continuing on the journey toward the top of the org chart.
When I thought about backing off, all I could envision was the look of judgment, of disappointment on that 25-year-old’s face. What had she worked so hard for?
That judgment sat with me for quite some time. I tried to negotiate, to argue, to rationalize – but nothing softened her unwrinkled face full of shame.
But ultimately what I came to realize was this: the younger version of me may have had dreams, ambitions, and plans – but what she lacked entirely was perspective, a sense of wholeness, and the ability to step back and ask “to what end?”
In my thirty-fifth year and beyond (and yes, to date there have been several beyond) I found my nerve to stand up to and ultimately make peace with the younger me. I’ve failed neither her nor her ambitions – I’ve simply grown a bigger life. There are more pieces to fit into the pie, and I want to do them all justice.
I want a career, and I’m proud of the balanced one I have today. But I also want it to work in tandem with the time I spend as a mom, wife, community member, meditator, exerciser, you get the picture.
We all likely have earlier versions of ourselves we might believe we’ve failed. But if you haven’t done so yet, look her in the eye and help her to find the perspective your wiser self has discovered.
Making peace with the younger you will serve you in spades